Try This Instead of Self Love

When you read the phrase “self-love” what comes up for you? 

I remember being about 20 years old, sitting in therapy, when my therapist gently called me out for how harshly I was talking to myself. She told me I needed to practice self-love. Cue the major eye roll. I almost threw a pillow at her.

If any version of self-love, loving your body, or learning to love yourself makes you want to throw something, scream, or immediately shut down, you’re not alone.

February has a way of turning everything pink, sparkly, and emotionally aggressive. Yes, because of Valentine’s Day, but also because the whole “love” thing expands beyond romantic love and lands squarely on you.
Love yourself! Celebrate your body! Just choose confidence!

And for a lot of people, that pressure doesn’t feel motivating; it feels out of reach.

If loving yourself feels fake, forced, or wildly out of reach right now, I want you to know something important: you’re not doing it wrong, and you're not the only one.

What if the message wasn’t self-love?

What if the message was simply not being an a$$hole to yourself?

Instead of self-love, I often invite clients to think about self-respect.

Self-respect doesn’t require warm, fuzzy feelings.
It doesn’t require confidence.
It doesn’t require liking your body.

Self-respect is about how you treat yourself, especially on the hard days.

You don’t have to love yourself to act with basic kindness.

Here are a few easy ways to practice self-respect:

• Soften your inner language
  You don’t have to say something positive. Just say something less harmful.
  “I'm so gross” → “I’m really uncomfortable in my body today.”

• Meet your body’s basic needs
  Eating regularly. Drinking water. Resting when you’re tired.

• Pause before self-judgment
  Try swapping “What’s wrong with me?” for “What might I need right now?”

• Let ‘good enough’ be enough
  Saying no to unwanted plans. Ordering the easy meal. Going for a brief walk instead of a long class.

Kindness toward yourself doesn’t always look inspiring or Instagrammable.
Sometimes it looks boring. Oftentimes it's a quiet experience. It looks like stopping the spiral before it gets loud.